im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
