Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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