Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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