So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
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I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
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He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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