I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
