I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
