DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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