90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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