I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We talked him into tasing himself.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran