i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
