Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
