I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
