i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
