Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
