The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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