when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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