im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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