An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
