just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
