it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Farmville is her only friend.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
