I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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