i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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