Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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