yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I could fuck to npr.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
