My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
