Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
