paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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