she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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