Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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