i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
