have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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