I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
