Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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