The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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