I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Damn victory sex feels great
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
