He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
