On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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