Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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