oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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