apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
