In America we eat man semen.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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