I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize