soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread