my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
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we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
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In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste