i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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