So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
