Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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