She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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