I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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