I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
