I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
