wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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