I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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